Between posts - interlude

A brief glimpse into my life and thoughts latey

I haven’t published on Substack in over 2 months (and I’ve missed it).

I don’t really know why it took me so long to be back, though. I missed some opportunities and I felt guilty about it. I guess I was just trying to stop and smell the roses, as the saying goes. But smelling the roses feels Pollyana-ish, and I'm not fond of Pollyanas…

Life has been throwing me some curveballs, so by the time I get to smell the roses, I feel I've been pricked by a thorn.

I find it harder to deal with people each day. This contrasts, though, with my growing belief that we need community to thrive. The nicest and most insightful days I've had this year have been with friends, but sorry to be so glib: friends don't pay bills. [Dear close friends reading this: please secure the bag soon so I can milk some of it. Thanks].

If you run your own small business, you’ll have to fly solo and face the Joãozinhos and Mariazinhas who don't really respect small business owners. Maybe if I had 500K followers on Instagram, or if I flaunted a British husband and family in a countryside manor, things would be different. Priorities, right?

I’m not one to air my grievances publicly, so I’ll hold my tongue, but Christ almighty, people have tested my patience in unimaginable ways this year.

While trying to deal with the rigmarole of the daily grind, there’s the quiet strain of existing in a world on edge. Intolerance lurks in the background, and you move through your days half-guarded, half-tired.

I don't want to get political [but what is not political in this world?], but the social climate in the UK has become thick with tension. I live in an area where St. George's flag is springing up everywhere, and I am reminded that immigration is synonymous with a slow-spreading disease now [and hey ho, I'm part of the latter].

I try to shake the feeling and ignore the news.

Who am I to discuss these things? I don't find it easy to discuss such a complicated topic.

But everyone else around me and on social media seems to think otherwise.

The white European husband doesn't understand and says that we shouldn't worry. It's all gonna be fine, he says.

The white British male friend says we need legal immigrants because we are fucking lazy bastards in this country, but the illegal ones should be sent back. [empathy much?!]

Then, some Brazilian friend says Yeah, they hate immigrants, but many of us work as cleaners or work in retail, they won't do that. Let's stop working for a week to see what happens. [And yet, the cleaner in my building isn’t an immigrant at all; she’s white British. Same with most of the people stacking shelves and scanning groceries at the local Sainsbury’s].

But the one that stumped me the most was my other white British male friend saying my brother is voting for Reform, and he is so adamant that he is right and that Reform is the best thing for this country. I'm envious of him sometimes, you know….? He doesn't waver. He is so sure of it all, whereas I….I'm not sure of anything at all.

This particular friend is quite close to me, and I had to hold myself back not to ask him: What does your brother think of you having two close friends who are not British, then? But I guess some things are better left unknown.

His honesty struck a chord.

I feel envious of people who don't waver.

I envy those who speak with unwavering certainty, who argue at the table and hold their ground as if conviction came easy. I have my opinions, believe me! [my followers on my personal Instagram are chuckling as they read this], but I no longer have the strength to get into political rows. The stamina to fight isn’t there, not when life itself, even without its politics, already feels like a maze. [Also, shame there are so many tossers out there not wavering. As Bertrand Russel would say: The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt].

I said I was not gonna get political, and I won't [sorry to disappoint. And yes, I know my privileges].

This maze called life demands its bypasses. I've required something to give me the energy to navigate it, and I’ve found that spark in studying spirituality.

I feel it’s like a breath of fresh air amid all the chaos in the world. And don’t act like you’re surprised. Even if we’re not that close to me, you’ve probably noticed [or at least sensed] that I’m into a tad of “woo-woo.” [I mean, reader, I have a Metatron cube tattooed. And lots of other symbols that only the initiated know what they mean…oooohhhh the plot thickens]

I love exploring things like astrology, Kabbalah, occultism, and a whole range of other mystical systems. Systems in which women are part of as well (unlike any religion). One day, I want to write a post about it.

That said, I have my reservations.

Spiritual bypassing and the kind of manifestation talk that ignores social class and other structural factors really make my academic brain [and by academic, I mean a brain that tries its hardest to think critically] hurt.

And yet, I’m drawn to mysticism. There’s something about delving into concepts that don’t exactly seem to have a place in real life that captivates me.

Call it escapism if you want. But immersing myself in this world sparks a kind of vim that other things have rarely done to me lately.

I’ve found myself fascinated, for instance, by the goddess Bastet (the goddess of cats) and the archetypes hidden in sacred geometry.

Speaking of cats, look who is here while I write this (my cat Joy):

On a completely different note, I've been preparing to go on my fifth attempt at getting my driver's licence. It's been a LOOONGGGG journey. I'm running on empty, folks.

I have other things going on at the minute, but I just don't feel comfortable sharing them as of yet.

I'm trying to be present and enjoy my routine, which most days I manage to do in spite of how exhausted I've been.

I apologise if this text is not insightful or even makes sense. I suppose I need to justify why I haven't been posting.

I absolutely love writing, mind.

I'm not a writer, nevertheless.

I’m a person who likes to dabble in different topics and talk about them, but is not yet prepared to discuss them in depth. I’m in the process of fathoming myself on this platform, of knowing who I am now and exploring this creative side of me, which is so different from the ‘me’ on social media.

If you stay after this mess, I want you to know I really appreciate it.

Have a lovely week!

Abracadabra ✨

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✨ If you're new here:

Hi, my name is Raiza. I’m originally from Brazil, but I’ve been living in England for the past eight years. Unlike many of my Brazilian counterparts, I live in an area that isn’t as multicultural as, say, London. I live in a British bubble of sorts. As a result, I often use my platform to share what life is like here from my perspective.

Conversations about politics and migration are part of everyday life in my surroundings, so these topics naturally make their way into my writing.

I teach English to Brazilians living in the UK, most of whom are at the B1–C1 level. That’s why many of my posts include links to vocabulary explanations. I want readers to be able to follow along easily and keep learning. My teaching goes beyond language: I also explore local culture, because I believe that developing a sense of belonging is just as important as improving one’s English (if you live in the UK, of course).

Here on Substack, I’ll share not only personal reflections but also fictional stories inspired by my experiences with immigration, along with videos and links about other themes that are close to my heart.

Thank you for reading.

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• If you have a hard time keeping organised and you are at an intermediate level of English, check my 25-day exercise planner.

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